If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
