so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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