I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
