Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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