Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
A+ Viking dick
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
