hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
