I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the condom got lost in my hair
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
