I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
