i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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