You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
