He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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