so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
