garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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