so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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