That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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