3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize