I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
