she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
