maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
