Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
