When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
