that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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