walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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