I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
