I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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