oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
