took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
