i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
