I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
