My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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