Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
