Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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