Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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