I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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