Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize