You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you guys were way drunker than both of me
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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