Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
