I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
