Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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