I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
