your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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