I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
we're making bets on your personal life
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
