Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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