im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
