i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
