every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
