i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize