Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize