I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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