don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
