this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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