I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
