Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
