Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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