i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
