That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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