found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
