I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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